“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
You Might Also Like
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.