WHAT SIGN IS SHE
You Might Also Like
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
man: wait
time: no
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!