Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
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“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
peak technology
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
this came to me in a vision
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
There’s no “u” in narcissist
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works