dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
You Might Also Like
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Ah..makes sense now
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
B
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.