if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
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I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
oh you wanna fight?!
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.