I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot