God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
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Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Sharon, call the vet
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?