My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
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[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
79.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
dutch is not a serious language