Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
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Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm