Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
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Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
When you can’t find your friend Neil
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*