“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
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when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.