*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
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me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.