NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
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“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)