“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
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all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?