[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
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I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
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Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room