“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
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If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
selfie game
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”