Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
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[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by