Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
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What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.