Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
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I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.