Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
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Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store