I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
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If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Aaaa…CHOO!
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.