Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
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I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets