Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
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Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.