shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
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The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
get you a girl who
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009: