Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
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Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Me too door. Me too.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.