I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
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just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Lucky old June.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.