There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
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drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
is this a warning or an offer?
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?