At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
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I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma