I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
You Might Also Like
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.