Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.