Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
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M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”