Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
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A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]