Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
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Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…