I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
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statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Meeeee too!
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Are you ok, human???
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.