I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
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landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.