Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
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Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.