Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
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HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
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