chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
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Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.