NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
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This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
We’ve all been there…
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*