waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
You Might Also Like
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice