Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
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“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.