One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
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Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
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Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere