So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
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[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays