We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
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Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Put the is in disheveled
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom