Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
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Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
#dalle2
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!