[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
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[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
My brain is a bad influence on me
Looking at you, Jesus.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…