THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
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When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.