My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
You Might Also Like
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead