4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
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“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39