*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
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Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
tinder is all about the long game
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
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